WookieLeaks Founder on the Run, Trailed by Notoriety- Wants a Biscuit

KASHYYYK- Nag Porin moves like a hunted wookiee. In a noisy restaurant in Kashyyyk’s rundown Row’thwarr district, he pitches his voice barely above a grumble to foil the Imperial intelligence agencies he fears.  He demands that his dwindling number of loyalists use expensive encrypted communicators and swaps his own the way other wookiees change shampoo. He checks into hotels under false names, dyes his fur, sleeps on sofas and floors, and uses cash instead of credit sticks, often borrowed from friends.  “By being determined to be on this path, and not to compromise, I’ve wound up in an extraordinary situation,” Mr. Porin said over lunch last Sunday, when he arrived sporting a woolen beanie and funny glasses and mustach disguise while trailing a youthful entourage that included a filmmaker assigned to document any unpleasant surprises.

WookieLeaks founder Nag Porin

In his remarkable journey to notoriety, Mr. Porin, founder of the WookieLeaks whistle-blowers’ Web site, sees the next few weeks as his most hazardous. Now he is making his most brazen disclosure yet: 391,832 secret documents on the Galactic Civil War. He held a news conference on Coruscant on Saturday, saying that the release “constituted the most comprehensive and detailed account of any war ever to have entered the public record.”

The following constitute some of the  most shocking revelations:

@StuartPownall: Stormtrooper armour to be investigated after recent firefight leaves no survivors.

@MaxReboYouKnow: Death Star construction oversight committee recognized vulnerable defense point in exhaust port, considered it “secure”

@deathspal Series of Droid mutilations baffle storm troopers. “Their arms are just ripped clean off” Said one trooper

@dclas: Leaked memos re: Bespin mining colony raid prove Calrissian did in fact have choice.

@InfinityLounge: No female officer present during interview of Princess Leia on Death Star. Amnesty International “concerned”

@mcjellyjamz: Admiral Ackbar was in fact briefed about the trap long before the fatal attack.

@monkeyflungpoo: Mos Eisley Space Port security officials admit to ethnic profiling, and enhanced patdowns of Sand People.

@deathspal: Ballistics report show Greedo’s gun never fired

@miked0273: Jedi order covers up vigilante apprentice’s murderous spree in Sand People village. Women and children slaughtered.

@shamusyoung: High-ranking member of Emperor Palpatine’s staff has fathered an illegitimate son on Tatooine.

@InfinityLounge: Public support of Clone War wanes and considered a “damn fool idealistic crusade”

@archon: Diplomatic cables prove that Darth Vader never intended to honor terms of deal with Lando Calrissian.

@jamesseddon: Chewbacca privately told rebel leaders that Yoda was ‘out of his depth’.

@vegasjosef: Report of destruction of Alderaan was to make way for a new hyperspace bypass is a government covert cover-up

@bryanQmiller: Leia knew

@shizoor: Admiral Tarkin denies Death Star plans were leaked to the Rebel Alliance, “I think you overestimate their chances.”

@_backslash: No Bothans actually died to bring us this information.

@cragjagged: Galactic Empire leader The Emperor relies heavily on his long-time Twi’lek nurse, described as “voluptuous and blue”

@arconic: Biggs Darklighter was shot down by Friendly Fire

@paulclammer: Princess Leia arrested & denied bail; extradition to Death Star likely.

@cbarbour: General Veers exaggerated battle experience. Wore medals he had not earned. Apparently did not earn the medal of honor.

Mr. Porin’s own fate seems greatly imperiled. Last Monday, the New Republic Migration Board said Mr. Porin’s bid for a residence permit had been rejected. His Republic visa will expire early next year. When he left the restaurant at twilight, heading into the shadows, he declined to say where he was going. The wookiee who has put some of the world’s most powerful institutions on his watch list was, once more, on the move.

By Your Command…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *