So it’s Friday morning and of course I’m thinking of vampires. Specifically, vampires are awesome and I really wish they were real. And I’m not talking in a metaphorical “Lawyers are bloodsucking vampires” kind of way, but more of a substantial “Ask your doctor if being a vampire is right for you” sort of real.
I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. In fact, I’ve been to a goth-club before (something about fishnet gloves on a rail-thin corpse-bride just gets me going) so I know that there’s a very large, though socially awkward portion of American culture that agrees with me: vampires are awesome and I want to be one.
Now, a few words on the bad rep that vampires get in the media: it’s all a load of shit. You go back far enough, and some old-fart types in the Middle Ages decided vampires were horrible monsters that prey on innocent humans and there’s probably some crap about being Godless and evil and blah blah blah. This mindset took hold all the way until the 20th century when Anne Rice wrote some novels that finally accepted the fact that we really want to fuck them. But even then, there’s this elegiac quality to the whole thing, like being a flesh-and-blood human is somehow better than sleeping all day and going out to have ultra-hot, moonlit, undead sex all night. I think it has something to do with them not having a soul or some half-baked religious bullshit like that. But I’m not really using my soul for anything, so what’s the big deal?
Here’s the thing: if it’s fun and cool, then chances are some puritanical buzz-kill is going to try to make you feel bad about it. They called rock-and-roll the devil’s music; they said comic books were going to rot our brains; they said that television would destroy the family unit; and they said that porn would turn us into a bunch of masturbating sub-humans. Aside from that last one, they were wrong on every point.
Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that vampires hunt humans for food. Well, I’ve met a few humans in my life and I have to say I’m not impressed, so let’s just give them a pass on that one.
This sad-eyed, ultra-depressed “poor me, I’m a monster who has to live in the shadows” whining shit you see in the movies has got to be just bad press. Sure there are some drawbacks, but they don’t seem so bad when you really think about them. If you shove a stake through a vampire’s heart, they die, but then again so would anything else. There’s this thing about vampires not being able to enter your home without being invited in but that’s also true for anyone who’s not a career criminal. They can’t touch garlic, but there are tons of available and very reasonably priced spices that you can still use so I think it’s the kind of thing you can learn to live with. And I’ve heard something about not being able to cross running water but I don’t even know what the fuck that means so we’ll just pass it over.
Never seeing the sun again might suck a little bit but I’ve always thought the sun was kind of over-rated (ohhhhh, I’m a class three yellow-star and I think I’m so special ‘cause I’m all shiny.Whatever).
Now consider all the benefits you get from being a vampire. There’s the obvious stuff: super strength, super speed, shape shifting and a weird new relationship with curtains and open windows – straight-up superhero shit. Then there’s the really cool stuff: good looks for life, credibility when buying a black Mercedes and wearing a black trench coat without having to be a private detective. You never see one get the flu either. There seems to be some money involved too – ever seen one shopping at Dollar General? Oh, and let’s not forget the whole never dying thing. If you can keep your ass away from holy-water, sunlight and wooden stakes then you can do just about anything else you want. Sign me up.
What part about this doesn’t sound awesome? Why the hell wouldn’t people be standing in line for this stuff? How come in movies and TV shows it’s always some kind of horrible transgression when a vampire “turns” someone? It sounds to me like it’s the world’s biggest favor: “Hey, wanna never get sick again? Want a credible reason to quit your nine-to-five? Want good looks for life and the ability to get laid in an unending procession of gothy, one-night-stand, freaky fuck-fests?”
How’s about yes? How’s about right now?
But no, they’re not real. Black holes are real, but vampires are just a work of fiction and people like me don’t get to be one. It’s total bullshit. They can make pills that will give you a boner so hard you’ll wind up in the emergency room (for some reason) but they can’t make you into a vampire. So it goes: the closest thing to vampires we get in this world is Dick Cheney and I really don’t want him to touch me.