Leoben Conoy on Love, Loss, and The Plan


I knew it was doomed from the start. There is a line from an old science fiction book – a time travel story; “fate will always struggle to assert itself…”

It’s funny how even when we think we can discern the patterns of the universe, we still make decisions that run counter to our deepest instincts. Desire, fear, and even love, can blind us to what we know to be The Plan. It seems our Cylon stubbornness can still cause us to override our higher programming, allowing us to make choices that, in the moment, seem to be in our best interest, yet only serve to bring about further pain, suffering and  disillusionment.

Just ask Number One, if you don’t believe me.

Even after my ordeal with Kara “Starbuck” Thrace back on New Caprica I still didn’t learn.

(I still can’t look at a steak without shuddering).

Maybe it was an attempt to reclaim my faith in The Stream, after seeing how wrong I was regarding Thrace’s ‘destiny’?  How could I have been so completely wrong? So very wrong about everything?  What did this mean about my place in the universe? My role in The Plan?

My faith in the Cylon God had been shaken to the foundation.

So then I went and fell for a Number Eight. What was I thinking? I knew enough about those models to know better. Yet the tailspin of self doubt and confusion that I was in forced me to seek out the comfort of an old familiar.

What I have come to realize through my ordeals with Thrace and Number Eight is this; what I had thought were mistakes, were in fact gifts -breadcrumbs on the trail to redemption perhaps.

Just because we think we know The Plan – even if we think we can see all the patterns; the foreshadowing that proceeds every moment, of every day (yada yada) – we are still, ultimately, completely in the dark when it comes to His Plan.

And besides, in the end, I wasn’t really wrong about Thrace and her “special destiny.” It was only my expectations of what that destiny actually was, that were somewhat ‘off the mark’.

I still believe that  Life has a melody.. a rhythm of notes that become our existence o­nce played in harmony with god’s plan…”

I just think that for the time being, I am finished with trying to figure out what the frak that ‘plan’ is.

Wherever you are, Eight, I’ll always be grateful for the time we spent together, and the lessons learned.

-Leoben Conoy

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