This was leaked from Sauron’s ministry of defense. Sources verify its legitimacy.
Redeye Rogue, however is not.
Legitimate that is.
This was of course found on the website DORKLY.com.
What made it was a response from one of the readers (Dominic Burchnall) however, which follows below;
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Thank you for contacting me with your concerns. On a personal note, I would like to express my admiration on you being able to write this letter with only one finger and your thumb with which to grasp the pen. While orcs are in no way a valued member of our team, essentially being arrow-fodder to throw in the direction of the enemy until overwhelmed by superior numbers, I will do my best to answer your questions fully and concisely.
1. That’s correct.
2. Where Orcs are concerned, the front line of the charge is essentially the shield for the second line.
3. I’m looking forward to this bit.
4. It took a lot of effort to forge that ring, I’m not NOT going to wear it. Also the ring has a handy feature where it can expand and contract, which also makes it handy that if anyone else gets their hands on the ring, it can expand and slip off their finger to abandon them.
5. Looking forward to this as well.
6. To be fair you have me here. I got cocky and paid for it. I was still on a rush after beating his father to death.
7. That was a Dwarvish forged sword, those things keep their edge. Remember how sharp your sword was when you picked it up wrong? Yeah, Narsil was a lot sharper than that. It was only because I was wearing my patent-forged Evil Boots I was able to shatter it at all.
8. Well, I DO have an enormous army of Orcs between them and Mt Doom. All you need to do is do your jobs as described in Paragraph 4, Subsection Cii of your standard Minion Of The Forces Of Darkness contracts, and they should have no chance of getting through.
My Backup Plan.
1. On a personal note, I like that you always have me wearing shades.
2. I can still communicate fine. That eye isn’t actually me, my spirit form can still communicate with people directly into their heads, or through other means, such as the Palantiri (it’s a big black stone you can talk to people through). When I need to communicate en masse, my associate the Mouth of Sauron will relay directions for me.
3. I’m particularly proud of that.
4. That Saruman never thought to establish any defenses of his own was his failure, not mine. To be fair, he was hugely focused on increasing war production and minion birthing rates, raising a fully equipped army of highly trained Uruk-Hai in a remarkable space of time, so his oversight in defense parameters could be forgiven.
5. Cirith Ungol is the guard proper of the mountain pass, Shelob inhabits it as an extra deterrent and to make full use of available space. Torech Ungol, the proper name of the mountain pass, is unlit, labyrinthine, and prior to Shelob’s residence was regularly patrolled. While I don’t require a secret exit/escape into my place of evil-doings, such a feature is required under the Villainous Overlords Convocation Of The First Age.
6. Well, I do have an army of 10’000 Orcs amassed on the plains of Mordor. The Eye of Mordor is on 24 hour a day, 7 days a week overwatch of the entire area. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume (provided you are not a creature of Darkness), and Mt Doom is a constantly, albeit gently, erupting volcano. The management considers that, at the present time, these security parameters are sufficient to deter potential ring-destroyers. The facility remains open in anticipation of future malevolent opportunities, as well as providing a ready heat source and supply of lava, from which iron and other metals vital to the war effort can be derived.
I hope this provides satisfactory answers to all queries. Please do not hesitate to contact me in the future with any further questions on our methods. Also, the management would like you to know that, by exhibiting the kind of insight and initiative so rare in the Orc race, you are currently being considered for promotion. Perhaps you would like to conduct your future duties of torture, butchery and terrorising villages with this in mind.
Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor.
To those of you wondering as to Tumorface’s ultimate fate, he was indeed promoted, all the way to the rank of general. The fingers he lost never properly healed, leading to another tumour on his left hand. His superiors also decided that Tumorface was a name unbecoming of an officer, and so gave him the title of Gothmog, and assigned him as second-in-command to the Witch-King of Angmar during the siege of Minas Tirith.
By Your Command.